It doesn’t take a flyer for a sweet Jersey Shore party to know that I’ve been working the deltoids pretty hard lately. But, it certainly doesn’t hurt. I mean, if you got it you may as well flaunt it. That’s what I say.
Once you’re through admiring the sweet haircut, make a note on your day timer to hit The Nook this Saturday night, as the bar will magically be transformed into a New Jersey fantasy land. Maybe we’ll start a big bar fight just to make it feel that much more authentic. Who knows?
What I do know is that it’s going to be a lot of fun, and you really can’t go wrong dressing up as a Guido for a night while getting plastered. Hope to see you there.
This Thursday, take a trip back in time, to the days when Whynattes were served hot from a church urn, and the night blended into the day like a horse hoof blended into a banana smoothie.
For a quick El Bar/Whynatte history lesson, check out this link, or this link, this link, and this link, along with this link, or this link. Okay, good, now you’re up to speed.
You see, Thursday night at El Bar holds a special place in the history of the Whynatte. Back in 2006, long before we had an actual product, we used to host a Thursday night Whynatte night each week at El Bar. What started out as a few friends hanging out with a couple venti lattes, eventually turned into gallons of latte poured from large urns and a packed bar. Back in the day it was truly a scene, with hundreds of people pounding piping hot lattes with ice cold shots of jager dropped into them, and from time to time burning all of the bars furniture in the back parking lot.
As time passed, we realized that we could not sustain the weekly 4am bedtime, and the associated feeling of impending death that came with each Friday morning. The urns were put back into their urn cases, and Thursday night Whynatte night at El Bar went on hiatus.
Until now. Let’s rewind the clock and get back down to business:
Ever since signing their big record deal with Virgin Records, the Constellations have been collecting endangered animal skulls and flying on private jets. No worries though, they haven’t let it go to their heads; They’re still the same sober Christian band that we all know an love.
Whynatte & PBR are bringing the Constellations to 529 in East Atlanta on February 10th. No doubt it’s going to be a complete and utter shit show, and I mean that in the best possible way:
Fast forward through one of the most exciting interviews of all time, to minute 4 of this clip from Perez Hilton’s site.
Notice anything familiar?
This has nothing to do directly with Whynatte, but it’s still without a doubt the place to be from 7-10 tonight. Greg Mike is a dear friend of ours, and a pretty creative lad to boot. The artwork of Greg Mike opens tonight at the Kai Lin Gallery on Peachtree Rd. No doubt the crowd will be cooler than a popsicle in the butt. Though probably not quite as fun as a popsicle in the butt:
Whynatte donated a bunch of lattes to the fine pupils of Emory University, in an effort to help raise money for the earthquake victims in Haiti. While the Whynatte didn’t quite fetch as much the pot brownies and peyote cookies, I’d still like to think that we made a worthwhile contribution:
As part of our endless search for crappy quality photos taken in dark bars using cellphones, we stumbled upon this little gem from Maggie’s, an upscale martini lounge in Atlanta:
In the name of expediency, it only took us 9 months to get the Whynatte van custom wrapped. At Whynatte, we obviously like to get things done quickly. If our goal was to make sure that we had the van wrapped prior to vans themselves actually becoming obsolete, then I would call this mission a success.
Like a relatively homely woman putting on a slinky evening gown, our white kidnapper van was magically transformed into sexyness on wheels.
We’re going to run a little contest for the readers of the Whynatte Blog. The first 3 people to email or tweet a photo of the Whynatte van driving around Atlanta will win a free case of Whynatte, and a Whynatte shirt. Email the photo to contests@whynatte.com, or make sure you tag @whynatte if you’re claiming your prize via Twitter:
So, the Whynatte van should be cruising the town, and you can win big if you see it and snap a photo. If David Perloe, one of our sales associates, is behind the wheel, look for the Whynatte van parked outside local high schools or any place where hoards of traveling gypsies can be found:
If you find yourself stuck in traffic behind the Whynatte van, at least you’ll have a nice view of the most premium RTD coffee in the world. Show us your appreciation by gently ramming the back of the van - if you ram the van hard enough, who knows, maybe we’ll throw you a free case?
Pub crawls are like pelicans: Everybody loves them, yet very few people actually own them.
That all changes February 20th. For the first time in the history of pub crawls, Whynatte is going to give you the opportunity to visit multiple bars during the day, and take home a live pelican. If we can’t actually find a pelican to give away, we’ll figure out something else in its place.
This is all taking place under the guise of the 5th Annual Sister’s Pub Crawl. Not to be mistaken with the V-103 For Sister’s Only event, the Sister’s Pub Crawl is a time proven journey through the many bars owned by Tracy Crowley. I know that it’s a over a month out, but we want you to get this one on the calendar now.
A sampling of the bars include: Darkhorse, Limerick, Blind Willies, Standard, U-Joint, Neighbors, Home, Standard, Steinbecks, and others.
Given the roster of bars owned by Mr. Crowley, two things immediately become evident:
1) Mr. Crowley likely drives a nicer car than you or I.
2) This is going to be a good fucking time.
Check out the flyer that Whynatte put together for the event:
Happy New Year from your friends and acquaintances at Whynatte Enterprises, LLC. We hope that your year has started off well.
For the past 3 years, even prior to having an actual canned version of the Whynatte, we’ve sponsored our friend Abby’s NYE party. Dubbed “Happy Town,” most likely because of the number of easily scored hard drugs available, the party has been growing in size since we first got into the game. The first year of Happy Town was held in a hollowed out oak tree, but at this rate, it won’t be long before sponsor’s like Gillette and Chevrolet are outbidding Whynatte for the honor.
But, until then, Whynatte remains a sponsor of this festive gathering. Here are a few photos from this years event:
That’s Abby on the left. According to her Myspace profile, her favorite animal is the Water Buffalo:
Son, tuck your shirt in when you’re at a Bar Mitzvah:
They don’t call the party “Happy Town” for nothing:
In fact, Abby did do quite a bit of dairy modeling to put herself through college:
Drinking the Whynatte “straight from the teet:”
I think I’ve seen this combo somewhere before, but I can’t quite place it…
DJ SKY was responsible for the evening’s tunes:
“Here, drink this, it’s made of ground up unicorn.”
This isn’t your grandmother’s NYE party:
It’s not going to hatch if you keep staring at it:
That’s a pretty nice dog pinata:
If you’re going to play the flute, at least hold the damn thing correctly:
Don’t look so excited:
Whynatte: Good ’til the last drop:
And, if you want more, here’s a fancy slideshow with all of the evening’s photos on it:
Like a fig tree crawling with spider monkeys that will eventually no longer bear fig, so to does the inventory of Whynatte decrease over time. Part of running the Whynatte company involves timing the proverbial decrease in figs with the procurement of a fresh fig laden tree. It’s called inventory management, and whether you’re running lattes, stolen cars, or guns, it’s an important component of any successful business.
So, how does the Whynatte actually make into the can? Good question.
After we grind up the goat hoofs into a fine powder, we add in the milk, coffee, and all of the other premium ingredients. Before the Whynatte makes it into the can, we pull samples from the enormous bison skulls that hold the Whynatte as it ages. If the samples pass muster, the Whynatte cans are filled, capped, and sent through a large wall of rabbi controlled lasers.
Here is what the Whynatte looks like before it’s canned:
Hidey ho, neighbors. With the holiday season upon us, and the heartfelt cheer in the air, we’ve decided to throw a last minute Christmas party. Actually, it’s not so last minute, more that I’m getting the word out about it “last minute.” I’ve been busy messing with the business end of a menorah. Regardless…
…it should go without saying that the BEST Christmas parties are the ones that are actually on CHRISTMAS DAY.
The good news is that the party is going to be a lot of fun, and definitely the best place to take your freshly received holiday cash.
Also good news is that you won’t have to drop much of that cash because the drink and food specials are absurd. And there is no cover, and there’s live music. It’s basically the kind people that own Smith’s wanting to throw a great party, and not really caring if they make any money on the night. Helping to throw the party are Sunday Paper, AM 1690, and United Distributors. United actually distributes the Whynatte Latte, a fact that may lend itself to outlandish conspiracy theories.
We’ll basically be giving away free Whynatte shots. The beer is half price. Other cocktails are half price. There’s a goddamn glorious BBQ buffet from Fox Bros BBQ. Oh, and there’s free champagne aka welcome to our world.
So tomorrow, after having joyous family time, come to Smith’s Olde Bar and have some reckless holiday abandon.
In the interest of doing something that would make my mom irate, I decided to get a Whynatte tattoo on my wrist. I was going to tell her that I’m boycotting Hanukkah, but I figured that I was only going to end up spearing my own proverbial halibut if I took that approach.
How about this contest? Anyone that gets a Whynatte tattoo, either the W or the full logo, will receive a monthly case of Whynatte for a full year, free of charge. We’ll even pay the shipping if you live anywhere in the lower 48. That’s approximately a $600 value, not including the shipping. Plus, you will always remember a time in your life when hormone free dairy was the only thing worth living for. Welcome to our world.
Big thanks to Tony over at Sacred Heart Tattoo for a job well done. His touch was more gentle than a full body massage from a 13 year old hand:
Much like spraying a feral cat with a water gun filled with vinegar, the anticipation was way more built up than the actual event:
Whynatte is bringing back B.o.B aka Bobby Ray to Smith’s Olde Bar on December 17th. If case you’ve never had the opportunity to see what it looks like to actually live up to the hype, a live B.o.B show may very well be the perfect opportunity to do so. Given the fact that Bobby Ray has procured a one way ticket to worldwide fame, you won’t be seeing him in small venues like Smith’s for much longer.
Opening for B.o.B is Atlanta’s own Vonnegutt. I was fortunate enough to see these guys live a few months ago, and have thought about them while in the shower ever since. Seriously though, they’re nice, and they’re going to be famous and own live panthers one of these days.
In order to further entice you to come out on the 17th, Motion Family put together a little video montage from the last B.o.B/Whynatte show:
The other night I was looking for a hotbed of men, dressed up as women, drinking coffee. You know how you get in one of those moods? Well, Thailand was a little too far to go on a whim, so I settled on drag show at Atlanta’s own Burkhart’s Pub.
And boy oh boys did I get what I was looking for at Burkhart’s. The little nook of a bar behind Ansley Mall had been transformed into some sort of cross dressing dairy lover’s paradise, with the Whynattes flowing faster than a unicorn running at full speed. You’d have thought that the United Nations was dropping latte from cargo planes overhead, as the place was drenched in Whynatte. Indeed, a little slice of transgender heaven tucked away off of Piedmont Rd.
Photos were taken:
The belt makes the outfit a little “edgy” for my tastes, but we can work with it:
With the advent of the Whynatte backdrop, even photos that have nothing to do with Whynatte all of the sudden become Whynatte photos:
See above comment:
My accountant has this same outfit. No joke:
My lawyer has this same outfit. No joke:
With a smile like that, the guy on the right could sell a used latte to the CEO of a latte company:
Some people may see the upper management of Whynatte driving around the city in fancy new automobiles, wearing custom tailored peacock feather vests, with our faces covered in sevruga caviar, and think themselves, “those jackasses don’t care about autistic children.”
Well, we’re here to set the record straight. We do care about children with autism. We care so much about them that we’re throwing a big charity party to benefit the Marcus Autism Center. We’ve teamed up with a slew of excellent bands and local businesses to make big things happen on December 3rd at the Star Bar.
All of the proceeds from the door will be donated to the Marcus Autism Center. While there is no cover to get in, we’re asking for a modest donation at the door. Whatever you can spare. Your karma will thank you later.
The musical lineup is stacked with more talent than the ‘96 Chicago Bulls, which is a good thing because we’re putting a little twist on the evening. Each of the bands below is going to play 2 of their own songs, and then cover 2 Rolling Stones songs.
Those little rascals over at Motion Family assembled this masterpiece from the Bobby Ray performance at the Whynatte One Year Anniversary Party. Seeing as though many of you were there, but blacked out drunk, this should provide a convenient overview of what you missed.
Bobby Ray is returning to Smith’s Olde Bar on December 17th, and Whynatte is all over it.
