WHYNATTE

Been a minute without a post on the Whynatte blog, but please don’t let that get your yalmulke all messed up and out of place.  We’ve been working hard on some big projects, and should have a lot of news to report over the next few weeks.

Anyway, here’s a quick round up of what’s going on this weekend and next, and a few other little tidbits of lactose goodness:

Got a few shows on the calendar, so pick your poison and stock up on lactaid:

1) Friday, March 5th: Noot d’ Noot at the Earl, with Judi Chicago and Rob Wonder. Rumor has it that you’re going to drink a lot of Whynattes at this show. We may even be there to buy them for you. Well, we’ll certainly be there, so you never know what’s possible.

2) Friday, March 5th & Sunday, March 7th: Frank Bell at Smith’s Olde Bar. Check out the video below, and tell me that this guy doesn’t get laid more than anyone you know. Frank’s a great talent, and we’re thankful for the opportunity to help bring him to Smith’s. Also, if you miss him at Smith’s on Friday night, he’ll be playing at Sambuca on Sunday night. Check out Frank’s tour website at www.frankbell.net/tour.

3) Thursday, March 11th: B.o.B aka Bobby Ray at Smith’s Olde Bar. There really isn’t much more to say about this show, aside from the fact that BOB’s live show has made converts out of every single person that’s seen it. Kind of like the first time I power slid a rental Kia through the parking lot of the Civic Center. Cruise over to Ticket Alternative to procure a presale ticket:

Christ, I have a meeting that’s about to start. More posting to come, time to earn those dairy dollars.

If your plans this week involve the placement of a severed horse head in Andy’s yard, you may want to hold off until next week for maximum impact. Reason being that we’re down in Savannah for the week, launching the Whynatte in this majestic little town.

Whynatte has a genuine connection to Savannah, in that our company considers itself to have a genuine connection to any town that allows one to legally walk around with an open container of alcohol. That, and Whynatte’s Creative Director aka the man behind all things design is a graduate of Savannah College of Art and Design. But seriously, you can actually purchase your Whynatte cocktail from a Savannah bar, and then proceed to walk outside and pound it on the street corner.

If you happen to be down in Savannah this week, give us a shout and lets meet up for a drink. We’ll be opening about 15-20 new bars this week, and we’ll likely be grilling the proverbial panini each and every night this week.

Also, we’ll keep you updated on which bars in Savannah are carrying the Whynatte:

Making homemade candles from powdered walrus tusk isn’t the only thing that my friend Orion excels at, he’s also pretty darn good at making a Whynatte. To see him in action is to observe a master craftsman at work. From his laser-like focus, to his unrelenting attention to detail, Orion treats Whynatte preparation like a Swiss watchmaker.

The result? Well, you’d have to actually try one of Orion’s handcrafted Whynattes to taste the difference, but I can assure you that he didn’t get his esteemed reputation without being one of the best in the world.

Orion wasn’t always the Whynatte craftsman that you see here today. In fact, he started off as one of the more rudimentary baristas that I’ve ever seen enter the trade. His form was pedestrian, and the froth of his milk was sloppier than the mouth of a hunting hyena. He was like a large chunk of uncarved granite, but over the years the slab has been transformed into a sparkly talking pony.

What you don’t see in these photos are the years of training that went into making him what he is today. Like an Olympic athlete who trains for years, waking up at dawn to fine tune even the smallest detail, Orion too spent years waking up at dawn on random people’s sofas, and going to work in the same clothes he’d slept in:

With his reputation for making world class Whynattes come the perks of success. Most notably, hot chicks. Groupies, if you will. The tank-topped slice of brisket that you see in the photo below is just one of the many examples of the kind of roast that Orion now enjoys on a nightly basis:

It doesn’t take a flyer for a sweet Jersey Shore party to know that I’ve been working the deltoids pretty hard lately. But, it certainly doesn’t hurt. I mean, if you got it you may as well flaunt it. That’s what I say.

Once you’re through admiring the sweet haircut, make a note on your day timer to hit The Nook this Saturday night, as the bar will magically be transformed into a New Jersey fantasy land. Maybe we’ll start a big bar fight just to make it feel that much more authentic. Who knows?

What I do know is that it’s going to be a lot of fun, and you really can’t go wrong dressing up as a Guido for a night while getting plastered. Hope to see you there.

This Thursday, take a trip back in time, to the days when Whynattes were served hot from a church urn, and the night blended into the day like a horse hoof blended into a banana smoothie.

For a quick El Bar/Whynatte history lesson, check out this link, or this link, this link, and this link, along with this link, or this link. Okay, good, now you’re up to speed.

You see, Thursday night at El Bar holds a special place in the history of the Whynatte. Back in 2006, long before we had an actual product, we used to host a Thursday night Whynatte night each week at El Bar. What started out as a few friends hanging out with a couple venti lattes, eventually turned into gallons of latte poured from large urns and a packed bar. Back in the day it was truly a scene, with hundreds of people pounding piping hot lattes with ice cold shots of jager dropped into them, and from time to time burning all of the bars furniture in the back parking lot.

As time passed, we realized that we could not sustain the weekly 4am bedtime, and the associated feeling of impending death that came with each Friday morning. The urns were put back into their urn cases, and Thursday night Whynatte night at El Bar went on hiatus.

Until now. Let’s rewind the clock and get back down to business:

Ever since signing their big record deal with Virgin Records, the Constellations have been collecting endangered animal skulls and flying on private jets. No worries though, they haven’t let it go to their heads; They’re still the same sober Christian band that we all know an love.

Whynatte & PBR are bringing the Constellations to 529 in East Atlanta on February 10th. No doubt it’s going to be a complete and utter shit show, and I mean that in the best possible way:

A few new items in the world of Whynatte:

Fast forward through one of the most exciting interviews of all time, to minute 4 of this clip from Perez Hilton’s site.

Notice anything familiar?

This has nothing to do directly with Whynatte, but it’s still without a doubt the place to be from 7-10 tonight. Greg Mike is a dear friend of ours, and a pretty creative lad to boot. The artwork of Greg Mike opens tonight at the Kai Lin Gallery on Peachtree Rd. No doubt the crowd will be cooler than a popsicle in the butt. Though probably not quite as fun as a popsicle in the butt:

Whynatte donated a bunch of lattes to the fine pupils of Emory University, in an effort to help raise money for the earthquake victims in Haiti. While the Whynatte didn’t quite fetch as much the pot brownies and peyote cookies, I’d still like to think that we made a worthwhile contribution:

As part of our endless search for crappy quality photos taken in dark bars using cellphones, we stumbled upon this little gem from Maggie’s, an upscale martini lounge in Atlanta:

In the name of expediency, it only took us 9 months to get the Whynatte van custom wrapped. At Whynatte, we obviously like to get things done quickly. If our goal was to make sure that we had the van wrapped prior to vans themselves actually becoming obsolete, then I would call this mission a success.

Like a relatively homely woman putting on a slinky evening gown, our white kidnapper van was magically transformed into sexyness on wheels.

We’re going to run a little contest for the readers of the Whynatte Blog. The first 3 people to email or tweet a photo of the Whynatte van driving around Atlanta will win a free case of Whynatte, and a Whynatte shirt. Email the photo to contests@whynatte.com, or make sure you tag @whynatte if you’re claiming your prize via Twitter:

So, the Whynatte van should be cruising the town, and you can win big if you see it and snap a photo. If David Perloe, one of our sales associates, is behind the wheel, look for the Whynatte van parked outside local high schools or any place where hoards of traveling gypsies can be found:

If you find yourself stuck in traffic behind the Whynatte van, at least you’ll have a nice view of the most premium RTD coffee in the world. Show us your appreciation by gently ramming the back of the van - if you ram the van hard enough, who knows, maybe we’ll throw you a free case?

Pub crawls are like pelicans: Everybody loves them, yet very few people actually own them.

That all changes February 20th. For the first time in the history of pub crawls, Whynatte is going to give you the opportunity to visit multiple bars during the day, and take home a live pelican. If we can’t actually find a pelican to give away, we’ll figure out something else in its place.

This is all taking place under the guise of the 5th Annual Sister’s Pub Crawl. Not to be mistaken with the V-103 For Sister’s Only event, the Sister’s Pub Crawl is a time proven journey through the many bars owned by Tracy Crowley. I know that it’s a over a month out, but we want you to get this one on the calendar now.

A sampling of the bars include: Darkhorse, Limerick, Blind Willies, Standard, U-Joint, Neighbors, Home, Standard, Steinbecks, and others.

Given the roster of bars owned by Mr. Crowley, two things immediately become evident:

1) Mr. Crowley likely drives a nicer car than you or I.
2) This is going to be a good fucking time.

Check out the flyer that Whynatte put together for the event:

Happy New Year from your friends and acquaintances at Whynatte Enterprises, LLC. We hope that your year has started off well.

For the past 3 years, even prior to having an actual canned version of the Whynatte, we’ve sponsored our friend Abby’s NYE party. Dubbed “Happy Town,” most likely because of the number of easily scored hard drugs available, the party has been growing in size since we first got into the game. The first year of Happy Town was held in a hollowed out oak tree, but at this rate, it won’t be long before sponsor’s like Gillette and Chevrolet are outbidding Whynatte for the honor.

But, until then, Whynatte remains a sponsor of this festive gathering. Here are a few photos from this years event:

That’s Abby on the left. According to her Myspace profile, her favorite animal is the Water Buffalo:

Son, tuck your shirt in when you’re at a Bar Mitzvah:

They don’t call the party “Happy Town” for nothing:

In fact, Abby did do quite a bit of dairy modeling to put herself through college:

Drinking the Whynatte “straight from the teet:”

I think I’ve seen this combo somewhere before, but I can’t quite place it…

DJ SKY was responsible for the evening’s tunes:

“Here, drink this, it’s made of ground up unicorn.”

This isn’t your grandmother’s NYE party:

It’s not going to hatch if you keep staring at it:

That’s a pretty nice dog pinata:

If you’re going to play the flute, at least hold the damn thing correctly:

Don’t look so excited:

Whynatte: Good ’til the last drop:

And, if you want more, here’s a fancy slideshow with all of the evening’s photos on it:

Like a fig tree crawling with spider monkeys that will eventually no longer bear fig, so to does the inventory of Whynatte decrease over time. Part of running the Whynatte company involves timing the proverbial decrease in figs with the procurement of a fresh fig laden tree. It’s called inventory management, and whether you’re running lattes, stolen cars, or guns, it’s an important component of any successful business.

So, how does the Whynatte actually make into the can? Good question.

After we grind up the goat hoofs into a fine powder, we add in the milk, coffee, and all of the other premium ingredients. Before the Whynatte makes it into the can, we pull samples from the enormous bison skulls that hold the Whynatte as it ages. If the samples pass muster, the Whynatte cans are filled, capped, and sent through a large wall of rabbi controlled lasers.

Here is what the Whynatte looks like before it’s canned:

Hidey ho, neighbors. With the holiday season upon us, and the heartfelt cheer in the air, we’ve decided to throw a last minute Christmas party. Actually, it’s not so last minute, more that I’m getting the word out about it “last minute.” I’ve been busy messing with the business end of a menorah. Regardless…

…it should go without saying that the BEST Christmas parties are the ones that are actually on CHRISTMAS DAY.

The good news is that the party is going to be a lot of fun, and definitely the best place to take your freshly received holiday cash.

Also good news is that you won’t have to drop much of that cash because the drink and food specials are absurd. And there is no cover, and there’s live music. It’s basically the kind people that own Smith’s wanting to throw a great party, and not really caring if they make any money on the night. Helping to throw the party are Sunday Paper, AM 1690, and United Distributors. United actually distributes the Whynatte Latte, a fact that may lend itself to outlandish conspiracy theories.

We’ll basically be giving away free Whynatte shots. The beer is half price. Other cocktails are half price. There’s a goddamn glorious BBQ buffet from Fox Bros BBQ. Oh, and there’s free champagne aka welcome to our world.

So tomorrow, after having joyous family time, come to Smith’s Olde Bar and have some reckless holiday abandon.

In the interest of doing something that would make my mom irate, I decided to get a Whynatte tattoo on my wrist. I was going to tell her that I’m boycotting Hanukkah, but I figured that I was only going to end up spearing my own proverbial halibut if I took that approach.

How about this contest? Anyone that gets a Whynatte tattoo, either the W or the full logo, will receive a monthly case of Whynatte for a full year, free of charge. We’ll even pay the shipping if you live anywhere in the lower 48. That’s approximately a $600 value, not including the shipping. Plus, you will always remember a time in your life when hormone free dairy was the only thing worth living for. Welcome to our world.

Big thanks to Tony over at Sacred Heart Tattoo for a job well done. His touch was more gentle than a full body massage from a 13 year old hand:

Much like spraying a feral cat with a water gun filled with vinegar, the anticipation was way more built up than the actual event:

The finished product. Who’s next?

Whynatte is bringing back B.o.B aka Bobby Ray to Smith’s Olde Bar on December 17th. If case you’ve never had the opportunity to see what it looks like to actually live up to the hype, a live B.o.B show may very well be the perfect opportunity to do so. Given the fact that Bobby Ray has procured a one way ticket to worldwide fame, you won’t be seeing him in small venues like Smith’s for much longer.

Opening for B.o.B is Atlanta’s own Vonnegutt. I was fortunate enough to see these guys live a few months ago, and have thought about them while in the shower ever since. Seriously though, they’re nice, and they’re going to be famous and own live panthers one of these days.

In order to further entice you to come out on the 17th, Motion Family put together a little video montage from the last B.o.B/Whynatte show:

B.o.B aka Bobby Ray x Whynatte Pt. 2 from Motion Family on Vimeo.

B.o.B aka Bobby Ray x Whynatte from Motion Family on Vimeo.

I was featured on Atlanta’s Fox 5 this morning. And while I love eating birds, thankfully I avoided eating crow for breakfast.

Check it out here: