WHYNATTE

The covert exchange of money for dairy goods and services will occur this weekend. A operative by the name of Kate will meet you at the coordinates of latitude: 40.71983 and longitude: -73.988338. Kate will assume the disguise of a barmaid, but do not approach her with any suspicion of her real identity. Maintain a casual distance. Consider this insurgent armed and dangerous. Place the agreed upon sum on the bar, and Kate will exchange with you the agreed upon ration of lactose. If Kate makes any rash movements, she must be destroyed.

If you come across any of these rogue agents, they must be terminated:

This is a visual of their ringleader, code name “The Blonde Tripod.” Proceed with caution:

Be on high alert to the use of hand signals:

If you’ve somehow missed Whynatte Latte’s domination of Atlanta, you’re not getting out enough.

Those are the words of writer Kirsten Ott, in this week’s edition of The Sunday Paper.

I would like to dip Kirsten Ott into a barrel of honey and make her into the finest baklava on the planet.

Those are the words of me, after feasting my eyes on Kirsten’s article in this week’s The Sunday Paper.

You can view the entire article on The Sunday Paper’s website by clicking HERE:

Kirsten gets her story straight, and adds a few of the Whynatte cocktails that are prevalent on the Atlanta bar scene. Thanks for the wonderful article, your next Whynatte bender is on us:

I like rolling as much as the next guy twirling glow sticks at an underground warehouse rave, so you can imagine how pleased I was to see Whynatte featured in nationally distributed Rolling Out Magazine

What’s your gastrological symbol? I’m a Cancer. What’s your favorite gastropub? Mine is Spitzer’s Corner in NYC, where Whynattes flow like the river Nile:

Come shake your hot grilled panini tomorrow night at the Star Bar, as Whynatte and Pop Death Squad present the monthly Big Trouble in Little 5 Points. With their monthly Big Trouble in Little 5 Points party, the Pop Death Squad has consistently showcased (for free) the best up-and-coming music in Atlanta. With Whynatte, the Whynatte Corporation has consistently made you late for work but better for it.

Great line-up lined up, with The Bridges headlining the show. Speaking of hot panini, did we mention that The Bridges are four hot women playing their own instruments, with voices like the most sultry sirens to ever grace the high seas.

It’s free. Whynattes are cheap. You just got laid off. You have no health insurance. You’re living under a bridge down by the river. Do you need any other reasons to come out and have a great time?

We were just loitering around the Whynatte warehouse, sharing lactose tips, and talking about the largest numbers that we know.

As we walked back into the office, we passed by the mountain of Whynatte kept on hand in the warehouse. Diwang Valdez, always curious about things, turned to me and asked, “How many lattes are there in this warehouse?”

Good question Diwang, how many Whynattes are there in the Whynatte warehouse?

Between now and midnight on Wednesday, we’ll take guesses as to the number of Whynattes in the warehouse, and send the reader with the closest guess a free case of latte. Please submit your best guess in the comments section of this post.

Here are three different views of the warehouse:

What’s the largest number that our intern knows? Well, he’s in the warehouse counting Whynattes, so we’ll let you know:

Limit one guess per email address. The winner will be contacted by email on Thursday morning. If your address it outside of the US, you can still play, but you have to pay for the shipping:

This photo of the University of Kentucky is great, but would be much better with some combination of naked Brazilian chicks, poisonous snakes biting kids, or skeletons wearing wetsuits while propped up and made to look like marine biologists.

This is just my own personal opinion, but you can judge for yourself:

We’ve started getting bored with pitting our interns against one another, and have finally graduated to pitting entire bars against one another. While it was neat to watch two high school seniors beating each other down in a cage, it’s even more fun to make lifelong nemesis’ out of once friendly bartenders.

The Local, a neighborhood joint on Ponce de Leon, recently started carrying the Whynatte Latte. Andy and I were over there earlier this week, checking up on some things (see: eating free popcorn), and started talking to a bartender named Grant. As cocksure as they come, Grant basically guaranteed us that he could outsell any bar in the city between now and the end of the month. I told Grant that The Albert is, for its size, one of the top selling Whynatte bars in the city.

We told Grant that if he could outsell The Albert between now and the end of May, we’d give $200 to the staff of The Local. Conversely, if the Albert outsells The Local, their staff will receive the $200. I told Grant that if he doubled The Albert’s sales, I would give him $400. He didn’t seem to think it would be much of a problem.

Below is the official contest contract, signed by Grant at The Local, and Drew at The Albert. Let the games begin:

Pointing to a Creative Loafing Best Bartender plaque on the wall, Grant issued a stern warning to The Albert, and immediately started shopping for a $400 walrus tusk necklace.

I took the coaster to The Albert for a signature, and Drew sloughed off the challenge as a foolhardy move by The Local. He seemed about as phased by the challenge as he was by the fact that I was wearing a vest made from abalone shells:

Our company’s frequent thug card recently received three stamps, as we stopped by the set of the Soulja Boy video shoot here in Atlanta. In one of Soulja Boy’s recent hits, he gives out his actual cell phone number: (678) 999-8212. Okay, that’s pretty bold giving out your cell number to millions of fans, you can’t take that away from him, but it helps to establish a genuine connection with his fans. Genuine connections are occasionally a good thing. Hopefully he took the time to sign up for an unlimited minutes plan with V-Mobile.

We’re going to take it one step further. While Soulja Boy may have started the trend by giving out his phone number, we are going to up the ante by providing the confidential medical records of everyone that has ever placed an order on our website. Just kidding, we would never give that information out for free. Look out for your CAT Scan on Ebay under username Whynatte.

Adrian and Soulja Boy, hanging like an enormous gold chain:

Arab wakes up with his swag dial turned to the “on” position, and his latte to the “hormone free dairy” position:

Bringing new meaning to the term “casual Friday,” these girls take a ripe page from the Whynatte Corporate playbook:

My list of humans that I would like to take on an all expenses paid vacation to the island of Capri just got three names longer:

Whynatte is giving away 300 shots? We must be on horse tranquilizers. Shocker, we’re not on tranquilizers, but we will happily be on them if you drop them off at the Whynatte HQ.

Tomorrow we are a sponsor of a “pub crawl” as it’s so called by the kids these days. The pub crawl will take place throughout Buckhead, starting Saturday at 5pm at Rio Grande. The first 300 people to register for the pub crawl will receive a ticket for a free Whynatte shot at Rio Grande. This will be a giveaway of grande proportions.

So come out tomorrow, Saturday May 9th, and party with us. We would greatly enjoy your company:

If you’re lucky, you might just find yourself drinking a Whynatte shot in a parking lot:

Like a Native American chief leading his tribe on a vision quest, it is sometimes the role of the CEO to lead new participants through their first experience with Whynatte. One’s initial foray into the spiritual underworld of grab-and-go dairy can be a daunting road to walk alone, and we at Whynatte understand the importance of traveling this journey alongside a tested Shaman.

About two weeks ago, while in Los Angeles for my friends Sari and Barry’s wedding, I took a group of Whynatte students on their first dairy quest. You could sense the nervous anxiety in their eyes as I prepared the Whynatte rations:

Who am I? Why am I here? $15.99 for chicken fingers from room service??? All questions that were answered upon the completion of our recent Whynatte journey:

Andy and I were driving the Whynatte Tahoe Hybrid to the petting zoo yesterday, when we looked over and saw another couple driving a Tahoe Hybrid of their own. “I wish I could give that couple a Whynatte,” I said to myself. Well, this contest is our indirect method of actually giving that couple a Whynatte Latte.

Do you or any of your friends own a Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid? If so, they made a smart purchase for more reasons than simply the luxurious interior, the giraffe-like cargo space, and the Camryesque gas mileage. The first 5 people to send us proof that they own one of these fuel efficient beasts will receive one case of Whynatte Latte each week for one month. That’s 4 cases of Whynatte Latte to each winner.

Proof of ownership looks like this:

A photo of the owner in front of the vehicle, and an emailed copy of the title. You may blank out any revealing private info on the title, just need proof that it’s from a Tahoe Hybrid. Oh, and you must have a US address to win.

Email proof of ownership to: contest@whynatte.com.

When draped with Whynatte banners, and entered into a neighborhood parade, the Chevy Tahoe Hybrid looks like this:

One of the highlights of my relatively young career in the dairy business occurred this past weekend, as I watched Julius Erving throw back a Whynatte. Seeing Dr. J toss back a Whynatte reminded me of how bad I am at basketball, how short I am compared to most humans, and how many fewer golf courses I own than he does. It also reminded me of why I got into this business in the first place: To sponsor charity golf tournaments.

Erving won three championships, four Most Valuable Player Awards, and three scoring titles while playing with the ABA’s Virginia Squires and New York Nets and the NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers. He is the fifth-highest scorer in professional basketball history, and was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1993:

Well that’s pretty cool, I was recently dropping knowledge (literally) on CNN.com.

Story Highlights:
- Atlanta man stays with friends while on business, leaves presents as thanks
- Atlanta man builds robot in his likeness, and sends robot to destroy sushi restaurant that got him sick
- Atlanta man reprograms robot to build fire pit, and has premium clam bake over Memorial Day weekend

Today, at 7:00pm Saturday May 2nd, Andy and I will strap on tuxedos and attend a black tie gala. But not before we do everything possible to avoid getting completely thriced at the Cinco de Mayo festival we’re sponsoring with Wednesday Night Drinking Club at Twisted Taco. It’s not that we don’t want to get loose as hell, it just that we don’t want to fall over unconscious into a plate of yams in front of Julius Erving.

Staying partially coherent is going to be difficult, given the fact that somehow you get drunk by simply walking into Twisted Taco. Kind of like how this friend I know automatically feels gay when he walks into the anal bead store on Cheshire Bridge Rd. that he found out wasn’t open on weekends. You know how they pump oxygen into casinos? At Twisted Taco they pump gin into the air.

The good news is that we will be returning to Twisted Taco (sans tuxedo) immediately following the black tie gala, at which point we will motor boat the living hell out of everyone at the party.

More info and ticket procurement here.

Completely vague flyer for event here: